Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to this episode of the Intuitive Femme Network. I'm so excited that we have our special guest today who is a sacred union guide, Miss Carolyn Houser. Please tell us a little bit about yourself, Carolyn.
Hi.
[00:00:28] Speaker B: Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. Well, as many of us you know, I was born into a family with a lot of past trauma baggage. I'm from Germany originally. I'm trained there as a naturopathic doctor and humanistic psychotherapist and family consolations facilitator. And my journey really started out with struggling tremendously with eating disorders. So from age of ten till 20, I was just very possessed by those things. But I had bulimia and anorexia and nothing would help. And luckily, my parents, my mom, both my parents wouldn't give up. And they would take me to buddhist monks and to very eccentric psychotherapists and they tried anything, visualizations, everything. Nothing worked. Until in my early twenties, my mom discovered family constellations, which is, for those of you that don't know, it's a generational, deep, deep subconscious, very powerful healing modality. So I experienced one session and it was powerful. Went home a few weeks, went by. I didn't make much of it. But then bit by bit over the month, I could all of a sudden do things that I couldn't do before, like I could eat less or could go more days with being healthy and so forth. And about four months in, I had a conversation with a friend and he was just asking how, how I was doing. And at that point, I figured I had healed myself. And he's like, how he knew me really well. He's like, you've been battling this for ten years. And by the way, my prognosis of healing, or anybody's prognosis of healing an addiction once you've had it over ten years is about 5%. So, you know, all I wanted at that point was just live to be 30, have kids, find my soulmate. I've always wanted to find my soulmate. And for those of you listening, you know, if you're like me, you probably can relate. From when I was 14 or even when I was little, I wish I wanted to find my other half.
So anyways, this conversation with my friend basically made me realize that, oh, I had done the session four months ago, and ever since I had that session, I was able to take steps towards healing. And I was fairly lost and didn't quite know what to do with my life at that point. And he just said, well, you have to learn this. So then I spent my twenties basically becoming a naturopathic doctor and studying this modality.
Still struggling with relationships of men, going through codependent relationships, going.
And I ended up in America in meeting a man that was twice my age. He was very spiritual. We had a lot of stuff in common, but I never thought he was going to be my soulmate and I would have kids with him.
We hung out and, you know, hung out a little bit too much. And I got pregnant. And so I very much felt my first marriage was an arranged marriage with beautiful kids. But there was like, it definitely was not a soulmate connection in that sense. We obviously had a purpose together. We have two beautiful children together. And I hung in there for eight years because I felt that I brought this upon myself and I really, really wanted to have children.
Fast forward.
I left that marriage because I felt it wasn't fair to both of us.
And then enter stage left, the twin flame experience, which we're going to talk about. So I went through that, and anybody who's gone through that knows what that's like.
And that was about eight years ago. And that experience really brought me to what I'm teaching today about the sacred union stuff. So I came across a book called Cupid's Poison Arrow.
And the woman that wrote that book had a very similar experience to me where relationships would start out great and inadvertently after like a few months or sometimes a little longer, they would just crumble. They would either get boring or more go in towards a friendship and just no sexual tension type of relationship, or there would be like, a lot of sexual tension, but a lot of roller coastering also. And she just would not want to accept that that's our fate, that the intimate relationships are just doomed. And so she went in search of finding solutions, and she started first to look into taoist lovemaking practices, tantra, of course, a lot of eastern philosophies, but then also in ancient Christianity, she found texts that hinted upon there being a different way of relating sexually that brought a lot of peace to unions. And so she started exploring and putting the pieces together and wrote the book the Cupid's poison Arrow, which I highly recommend. She's somebody who doesn't really teach the stuff. So when I came across the book, I was totally into it. My twin flame, my second husband, it did not resonate with him. So that relationship unfortunately collapsed. Fast forward. Now, eight years later, I am in a beautiful, stable relationship, practicing everything that I've learned and have written my own book on.
The practice that's talked about in the qubit's poison era is called caretza, or bliss bonding.
And in my understanding, as of right now, that is really the basis for a sacred union. So in my relationship, or in our relationship with me and Tim, my partner, our commitment is actually to the practice, to these sacred union practices. So it's not this area fairy.
What you were alluding to when we had our pre conversation. Oh, you're my twin flame.
Yes. We are really close, and we are really connected, but we have very specific practices that we're both committed to that make this relationship work. And when I came across Cupid's poison arrow and I googled Marnia, Marnia Robinson is the author, I could see that she had really discovered something that's real because she was in her late sixties and she glowed, and she had been living a stable sacred union for 30 years. And so I listened, you know, because I felt like she has something that I want to have.
Yeah.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:06:31] Speaker B: Tell us a little bit about me and how I got here.
[00:06:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I love this. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable. You know, something that really activated as I was listening to your story. I feel like so many of us who have been drawn to that sacred union concept, divine union concept, the twin flame idea, I think that a lot of us can relate to. To not completely what you went to in your childhood, but as a form of that where it's like we did not feel natural in our own bodies. Like there was something like a form of body dysmorphia that I've seen when I talk to women who feel this call towards sacred union and wanting to have that type of really deeply co creative relationship with someone else. I've seen this as a theme where it's like we have struggled in different ways around this concept, around our body. Now, again, it's going to vary, and everyone's going to have had their own unique experience around this. But I found that really interesting listening to that story.
And I feel like, and this has been kind of a hypothesis of mine, and I would love to kind of run it by you. As someone who is specializing in sacred union, I feel like a reason that so many of us that feel called to sacred union and divine union and that journey, a reason that we have struggled in a way, with the acceptance of our body, or almost like getting used to living in our body, is because there's that more elevated sense of consciousness that is here to experience this very high vibrational experience of divine union. Because we know in order to have that level of a connection with someone, we have to do a lot of healing work. And so I have hypothesized that this soul group that has come in to have this type of experience, we almost have this natural feeling that we know that this physical vehicle is nothing, our natural state of being. And so we struggle with the acceptance or adaptation to living within it. What are your thoughts on that?
[00:09:03] Speaker B: Yeah, so I actually remember, you know, I remember being up in heaven, and of course, I'm using words to describe something that you can't describe, but it was almost like being in a Waldorf kindergarten where there were, like, little wooden chairs and we were like little. Little angels on the heavenly meadow, in a sense, and source, God, whatever you want to call it, came to us and said, hey, the people on the earth are struggling with relationships.
Who wants to go down? And my hand just raised in bloops, I was born. And of course, if I'm volunteering to come down to help people with relationships, of course it would make sense that I would have to go to a whole gamut of struggles, you know, so that I can relate. So that's how I explain it to myself. And, yes, of course, it's a struggle to be, you know, we're all infinite beings to be in a physical body. But I think part of why we maybe specifically have a bunch of things put in our way is so that we can. We can really feel what it's like to be human and relate better. Right.
[00:10:06] Speaker A: Yeah, I totally agree. It's like this almost expanded level of consciousness where we'll see some people I know, for me, I've almost been like, what's. What's wrong with me? Like, why are these other people able to, like, have these types of relationships? Yeah. Like, it's like, I witness it from the outside, and it's like, why can they do it? But that doesn't feel natural to me. Like, it feels foreign and weird. And I'm not understanding how they're able to do that. And so I love what you're saying where we do have this almost, like, extra pathway that we have to go through because there is a level of us that is more conscious. And if we want to have a beautiful, divine relationship with another human being, of course the first relationship that we're going to have to learn how to have that is healthy is one with ourselves and understanding and accepting ourselves and our human weaknesses and abnormalities. You know, like, we say that even though it is all normal, but we'll look at stuff I. Even today, you know, I've had to do a lot of healing work around this. I noticed that I have a very asymmetrical faith. And so that's something that used to really, really, I'd be like, I'm a freak. Like, I just. I'm so weird, you know? And it's something that I've actually come to recognize. We all have asymmetrical faces, and it's just, like, it just is what it is, you know, it's just a part of being human. And so I thought to myself, I'm like, I wonder if whatever species or being that I was in the past, we were very symmetrical. And so this is why this bothers me so much, is because I know that we're supposed to be symmetrical and we're not. And so it's like this extra step I have to take to learn to love myself and accept myself, because it's just. It seems weird to me. And I feel like I have come to a space where I just, you know, I'm like, oh, my arms are a little big, or this. I don't. And it's like, I just. I just accept it at this point. It's just like, this is just my body. It just is what it is. And so I can love it. I can care for it. I can treat it well, I can feed it well, I can help it move. I can do what I can to help it operate at its best, but it is what it is, and I just have to learn to love and accept that. But there is still a part every now and then while I hear this, where it's like, you're too much of a freak to be in a relationship with someone because I judge my own humanity, do you feel like that's something still, like, anyone who's listening, that is on this journey of wanting to experience sacred union, do you feel like that's probably a common narrative that these individuals are hearing, that on some level, they're too weird or different or too much of an anomaly to be able to have a healthy, loving, sacred union relationship? Do you think this is common?
[00:13:23] Speaker B: I mean, what I hear a lot is that people, they don't know if what they want is possible. They do get the feedback a lot that what they're wanting is a fairy tale and it's not real, right? Because if they talk to their regular friends or people that, you know, have just regular relationships and you're kind of, like, holding out for this very special thing, the outside world will tell you that you're crazy. That you want too much, that what you want does not exist, that every relationship, you know, is going to be hard and has its struggles, and a relationship that's just easy and flows, you know, that's like, dream on. And so a lot of people that come to me, they don't know themselves if what they're wanting, even. Even though they have a really deep desire and a deep knowing that it's possible.
They also don't know if they're just delusional, basically, if what they're wanting is, you know, a pipe dream, basically, yeah.
[00:14:21] Speaker A: I see this so much even with my own clients and, like, the spiritual coaching and, like, business coaching aspect with this almost, like, imposter syndrome where it's like we know we feel the call, we feel what we're supposed to be experiencing in this lifetime with the contribution that we're meant to make with the type of relationship and that deep, meaningful connection that it's like we can feel it in our body, but we go into these spaces where we almost like self gaslight because society has been telling us so long, you can't do that. You're, like, ridiculous that those expectations are too high. You just need to settle. So we often do, right? We self abandon and we stop pursuing these dreams and desires and goals to really have this very enriching experience as a human, to kind of fit in with these standards that society says that we should have. And so I found in my own path that I used to do that, where I would settle in relationships because I would just feel like, I guess what I desire and want just doesn't exist. And so I'll self abandon and just. I'll just be in this instead. And then, of course, like you said, it doesn't work. Eventually, we get to a point where we're like, it's like our soul is dying inside us and not satisfying me, and we can't stay. We can't stick with that. I would love for you to talk a little bit more about this concept with the book. You said it's Cupid's poisoned arrow?
[00:16:01] Speaker B: Yeah. And then this is my book on it. It's called the bliss codes. It's a little easier to read the cupid's poison arrow. It's 380 pages and very dense.
[00:16:09] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. Probably different viewpoints then, too.
[00:16:15] Speaker B: I would suggest to read this first, and then if you want to dive deeper, go to the cupid's poisoning.
[00:16:19] Speaker A: We'll make sure to link that in the show notes as well so people.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: Can get to that and it's on Amazon, so.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: But what she talked about and what you were saying is this. I feel like I've seen this, too. So it's so fascinating to have this conversation with you because the relationships are very, I call them firework relationships, right where it comes in, it's all hot and exciting. And then after a few, it's usually about three or four months, it's like it just fizzles out. And I think that what I've seen most of the time, not all the time, because I've been there before where it just got boring and I was like, I just don't feel any kind of anything. And they weren't, like, toxic or abusive. It was just.
But other times, it is those situations where we're expecting this, like, almost too much of that fantasy aspect where, like, the knight in shining armor and this perfect person. So then we tend to fall for toxic partners who have the more narcissistic tendencies, because they want everyone to think that they're perfect, right? So in the beginning, they come off very perfect. They come off as this hero. And through the love bombing, they're, you know, I'll take care of you. They say all the right things and they make us feel the way that we've been wanting to feel.
And then, of course, they can't hold that. But for a few weeks, to Max, three months, I mean, I've never seen one go, like, last that long. Even. So, it's like I've seen this pattern as well. So I'd love to hear kind of what, what is the conclusion around this concept and why is that happening?
[00:17:59] Speaker B: Yeah. So this is what Marnia really rediscovered, and that's why I'm eternally grateful that she did. What she discovered is that as human beings, we have two programs for lovemaking. One is for making babies. So we call it procreation based. That is the one we all know. We have a second one that's really there for deeply bonding, and that's one that we don't know and we don't use. And when I say don't know and don't use, it has to do with neurochemicals, and it has to do with our brain and how our brains are wired and, and deeply ingrained survival patterns. So when we look at the evolution of the human being and relationships and survival, nature wants the species to keep surviving. So in our brain, we have a reward center that entices us to make babies, and it does that to dopamine. So when we have an orgasm, huge amounts or bigger dose of dopamine get released, and it makes us feel amazing. That's why we keep doing it.
Problem is, dopamine gets released with novelty.
So in the beginning, something is exciting, and then the longer we have it, it just wears off. Right. So that's why we see those.
[00:19:08] Speaker A: Yeah. So, like, the narcissistic situation and the other one where it, like, feels all exciting, it does. It eventually, like, just kind of fades away.
[00:19:18] Speaker B: Yeah. And then the other problem with dopamine is it is like a drug. It is compared. Like, there's brain scans. And Marnia goes into this more in her book and has all the studies because she ended up marrying somebody who was a biologist and science teacher. So they gather.
So there's one study that showed brain scans of men ejaculating and brain scans of men snorting cocaine. And they're identical.
Right? So science doesn't lie. So the problem with that is in our brain, in our neurochemistry, when we have a spike like that, we know yet, right, when we take cookie, and if you've ever taken it, or if you imagine taking it, it gives you this high, but then afterwards it gives you a low. And in our brain chemistry, it takes two weeks to just get back to normal. And during that time, we experience depression, irritability, feeling shitty, you know, just to sum it up.
[00:20:11] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:11] Speaker B: And when we're in that phase, we projected how we're internally feeling, like our internal chemical state onto our partner and the world.
[00:20:21] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:20:22] Speaker B: Right? So, yeah, when I came across this information, I was like, I was totally sold on having orgasms every day, and that's how we manage it. And it's, you know, goddess, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear this. I don't know what you're saying.
But then the other thing is, we also have a reward system in our brain for deeply bonding, because if we didn't have that, we wouldn't take care of a screaming, crying baby that poops 20 times a day, needs milk 50 times a day, and doesn't sleep.
We have another reward center in our brain that's based on oxytocin.
And oxytocin makes us feel happy, makes us feel stable, makes us feel balanced, makes us feel clear, makes us feel capable, productive, securely attached.
Right? And so, in a sense, what Marnia discovered is that we have this different way of lovemaking where we can wean ourselves off of orgasms learn to make love in a different way where it becomes a daily practice and basically switch our brain. And I'm very simplifying. Right. Switch our brain, the dopamine roller coasters and the dopamine dependency on novelty over to having pleasure through connection in the moment because that's when oxytocin gets released and therefore us as individuals becoming super stable because we're not on the dopamine and therefore our relationships becoming stable. But there's a caveat. Or the good thing is this is only possible with somebody who's capable of deeply bonding. And that's where we get to the attachment styles. Right. If there's somebody that's narcissistic or deeply wounded, they're not capable of bonding.
[00:22:09] Speaker A: Right. Right. They're going to be avoidant.
[00:22:12] Speaker B: Yeah. So using this knowledge in your dating process, if you're single, helps you tremendously because I believe that your sacred union partner will resonate with this. And will is somebody, in my case, he was somebody who resonated with this practice because by the time I got to him, I was very clear that I was not going to have a regular sex anymore. Right. So imagine dating in your forties with two kids and not. And saying, I'm not going to have orgasms anymore. Right. So that's where I. Where I had to get to.
And trusting that there would be one person, one guy who also felt the same way as I did and who this would resonate with.
[00:22:51] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. Sorry to interrupt, but as you're saying that, you know, I had actually done a video explaining some of the brain chemistry stuff. I have a psychology background, so I was explaining some of the brain chemistry stuff, what happens with, like, love bombing and the future faking and that kind of stuff with the dopamine hits. And so we kind of become addicted to these toxic partners. And this is why it's so hard when they leave, because they're not getting the same kind of dopamine hit back as us saying, oh, you're so perfect, you're so wonderful. When we start actually having real expectations of them because they can't follow through, then they're like, well, I'm not getting the hit I want anymore, so I'm going to move on to a new supply. And then we're left completely and utterly devastated because our addiction is gone. And this is why people stay very obsessed with these partners months and sometimes years after they have separated. And so I find this really, like, I'm like, nerding out on this it's so very fascinating to hear about this switch into more of this, like, long term connection. Instead of being almost, like, addicted to a partner, it's like, can I bond with this person? And so this is where I've actually started teaching something that sounds, like, similar to what you're saying, where it's like, we should not even be having any kind of sexual encounter with someone for at least three months. We should, like, it should not even be on the table because it will create exactly what you're saying. When we have an orgasm with them, it creates a full attachment. And then we blind about, like, what is the real relationship here? What is the real dynamic here?
And this is where we ignore red flags, right? And we're like, it's totally fine. He's got six other wives, you know, like, the orgasms are great. So it's really, really important for us, too, as women. I'm 38, so it's like, I hear you going into forties, feeling close. It's like going into this space as a single mom, saying, hey, I'm not even going to go there until we've at least gotten to know each other for 90 days, because I want to know, am I able to form a bond and an attachment with you that's healthy?
I don't want to become addicted to you.
A huge difference with that.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: Yeah. Having a clarity. And there are studies, I have seen studies that say that I think they're called neuropeptides that form in the brain and the dopamine, that they're up to 13 times more addictive than heroin. So you have to have, if you're in that space, you have to have compassion with yourself.
It's real.
[00:25:39] Speaker A: Yeah, it's totally real. I mean, we will literally become so addicted and learning more about even things like the vasopressin and the neuropreneiferan and all of these different things that get activated. This is where, like, that vasopressin has to do with kind of, like, the mama bear instinct and that protective. And when we're falling for things like love bombing and future faking and this, and we're getting all that dopamine and we're forming this false attachment with someone. This where even though, like, friends will be like, can you not see all of these red flags? And then someone gets super defensive. They go into, like, this mama beauty, their energy, where it's like, well, you just don't know him. You don't know what he's been through. You don't know what he's going through. And it's because of that vasopressin that has gotten activated. And so we've got all of this, like, brain chemical soup happening from these experiences. And so I'm loving your advice here because it's very much mirroring what I have been teaching and talking about, where it's like, we really have to take that aspect out because once we do, we will still see things very clearly as to what's going on in this dynamic versus getting all those brain chemicals connected. Like, we have had some cocaine and then we think that we can fly off a building when in reality, it's like this person is a disaster. And you've convinced yourself that your knight in shining armor, Prince Charming, because this has gotten all the wires are mixed up and, like, not firing properly. So it's like, this is how we can maintain clarity and learn to trust ourselves when it comes to our picker. As people say, well, my picker is broken. And it's like, no, baby, it's just because you're having sex too soon and the dopamine is getting in there.
[00:27:29] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, my picker was definitely broken for a long time.
[00:27:35] Speaker A: It's like you're ignoring the red flags because you've gotten addicted to this person.
[00:27:40] Speaker B: That's what it is.
[00:27:41] Speaker A: But I love this.
[00:27:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
You know, and so part of it is also in my own journey, I definitely. I had to learn about men. I had to really understand their psychology. I had to really learn.
I needed to become for a man to actually feel safety bond with me. Right. Because a healthy, somewhat healthy man, you know?
[00:28:03] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:28:03] Speaker B: It's very leery of ending up with somebody crazy.
[00:28:06] Speaker A: Absolutely. Absolutely. That's another red flag. Right? Anyone who's going to be, like, future faking and making all these plans, it's like that is. That's not a good sign. That's not somebody who's also kind of, like you said, leery, we want to be watchful. Like, is this other person going to be a healthy co creative partner for me? So, yeah, I would love for you to go into actually, more detail about what you've learned about male psychology and how we can show them that they, too, are safe with us, just like we're trying to learn that we can be safe with them.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: So a big part is, like, men. Men and emotions work a little differently. Right? Men are deeply feeling creatures. They actually probably feel way more, way more deeply and way more stable than us. Our emotions are kind of all over the place because of our hormones and our psychiatrist Yep. So that's one thing when a man commits. And, you know, some of us think that men have commitment phobias or are not able to commit, but we have to understand that in a male psychology, if I was a man and I was considering committing to you, the process I go through is really thinking, am I willing to give my life for this woman? Is she worthy? You know, do I feel like. Do I feel like I cannot live without her? And therefore I really am willing to give my life?
That's what a male goes to when he's, you know, going to really commit himself. And once he came to the conclusion that he does, he will truly commit with all his heart and all his every. All his whole being. Right. And for us women, it's not that way, because, you know, we're not asked to give our lives for men, usually. Generally, sure.
So when it seems like a man does not want to commit, it's mostly because inside his feelings, he's not gotten the reassurance that you would really be worth giving his life for. And there's things that we do, whether it's being erratic, being too emotional, being. There's nothing wrong with having emotions, but as women, we need to learn to process them.
In a way, for men, when we come at them with all our emotions, is very overwhelming.
Not that they don't want to be there for us, but inside, if it's too emotional, their brain just goes into overload because they don't know what to do.
And so part of it is us learning to process our emotions and then come to them in a way where they can actually hold it. And it doesn't feel like we're just like, overwhelming them with our energy, because they do, like a good guy, just want to be there for us. And then just also knowing that they can only take so much if we're super emotional, just knowing that they can only take so much. And it's normal for them to need a little, like, space after and regulate themselves, because for them, they need to be able to function and work. And so they're much more compartmentalized. Where now when they get in touch with us and they start to accessing their emotions, it's not just the good feeling emotions that they access all of it. Right. So let's say you are getting to a man and he starts having feelings for you.
It's scary for him because all of a sudden he's vulnerable. And also all this old stuff keeps coming up that he's maybe pushed aside so that he can focus so just ain't. And also, men go through different phases when they're bonding. They're not like us, where we're like, I want to be with you, and we're just with them. You know, we've decided, and we just want to be with them.
So for them, they go through a phase of first being infatuated because of the newness and the dopamine, where they will tell us the world, where they just, oh, you're the greatest, and I'm so in love with you, and blah, blah, blah. And if we were not smart enough and believed them in that stage, we're in for a lot of trouble because inadvertently. And once the dopamine wears off a little bit, they go into like, oh, hold on a little bit. Like, I'm not getting the same feeling. They will step back a little when they go through the commitment process because they're really considering, like, is this woman worse? Committing my life to.
Generally, when that happens, we get really confused because we're like, hey, yesterday you promised the world to me, and now you're so distant. You're a liar. Right? We started attacking them. That's usually what happens. And that's where a lot of relationships go wrong in, like, third month.
[00:32:28] Speaker A: Well, women get very activated in that because women need stability. Like, they really want to feel a level of security, predictability, stability.
[00:32:38] Speaker B: So when men during that phase, which is natural for him, he cannot give it to us. And so if we know enough and we have sisterhood and things where we can go and talk about it and process our feelings with, and if during that time, we can be there for them and prove to them that we're stable enough, that even if he has to go and does his emotional whatever, whatever, and he's wobbly and confused and stuff, love them, are gracious enough to give them the space and not make it about ourselves, then he will feel like, well, I really won the lottery, and I want to be with this woman, you know?
[00:33:15] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I can see that. And I think that most women who are going to be watching this or who are watching this now, can I probably look back in a dating experience where it's like, oh, yeah, I remember when that happened and we got activated, right? Our trauma, our abandonment wound got very activated. And so I refer to these, like, women and men, we all have our woundings, right? And we can go back to even, like, ancestral woundings, where things like the witches wound, right? Where it's like this fear of this persecution, the abandonment, the betrayal that we've inherited. And I refer to the masculine. They have the warriors wound. This fear of, I'm not going to be enough. I cannot protect them, or I have a guilt because I know that I've been a part of this, like, perpetuated harm to the feminine. And so they're also working through their own things. And so women, our deepest wound is that abandonment and betrayal. And for men, it's inadequacy. Like, I'm not enough. I cannot be enough. And so when we go into those phases and if we have not healed our own fear of abandonment, when the man pulls back and then we're coming at him saying, you're not being enough. You're not being enough. I need more from you than his own wound of inadequacy, right? Is getting highly activated, and he just goes away.
No, like, I I'm not doing that. I'm not getting hit with this. I don't need to feel even more inadequate. And so I love what you're saying. Again, it's like showing how these dynamics, they really are important for us to be healed in order for us to be able to have a healthy relationship, because if we're easily activated when our partner needs time, then we're going to find that we kind of self sabotage those relationships because we're not actually able to hold space for the masculine.
[00:35:25] Speaker B: So the beautiful thing with bliss, bonding, if you start a relationship right away with the bonding practices, you are going, it's actually a way for us to heal that stuff together because we are starting to create a secure attachment. And when you do feel securely attached with each other, then if he needs a little space or if he needs a little extra, if he's wobbly, I can do that, you know?
[00:35:50] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Which I think is so important.
I've had this conversation a few times with some of my clients where women, we get this, like, Cinderella syndrome, right? Where it's, like, we've been programmed to think that men are meant to, like, come in and rescue us and save us and, like, be this, like, hero or night in shining armor. And by finding this man, we're gonna then suddenly have everything we've wanted. And that's a lot of pressure to put on a man like that is a lot of pressure to put on anyone, right. That I have been waiting my whole life to meet you because you're going to be what makes me happy. And then for that masculine, it's like, whoa. You know, like, I'm already worried that I'm going to be inadequate, and now you're like putting all this pressure on me. If we're coming at them like, hard and fast with that kind of energy, they are going to retract. That's going to be very intimidating. And it's interesting because, you know, we think about how most of the time the idea of, like, when someone is going to objectify another individual, we think it's the masculine who's going to objectify the feminine when it comes to, like, physical things. But we as feminine, we objectify the masculine as well. But in these ways of, like, you're going to be my knight in shining armor and fix everything. And when you're not playing this role the way that I want you to, then I'm going to let you know how much you're failing me.
And so it's, it's a very interesting kind of dynamic when we start witnessing that within ourselves where it's like, gee, you know, like, I've kind of been playing a part in my own suffering when it comes to relationships and dating because it's easy for us to look at the masculine. It's like, well, I thought you were going to be my hero. And this is a problem. I'm not getting what I need. And so I think that this is where the communication styles also come in, where we really come at these men and can be very harsh on them, where it's like, you're not doing enough, you're not doing this, you're doing that. And then again, it activates that warriors moon energy where they're like that not being enough versus being able to communicate in a style of, hey, I would like to do more of this, or I need this. Could we do more of this? I love when you do that. Could we do that more often? Like communicating in a very different style that doesn't make them feel attacked all the time so that they go into this, like, shutdown mode. Do you have any advice for the audience on how to communicate with the masculine better?
[00:38:39] Speaker B: Yes. I mean, part of it is really, you know, being aware that when, when, when we get intense that that feels like an attack. You know, I for the longest time did not understand that. I'm like, I'm just having my feelings. I'm just expressing myself. And amongst women, it's totally okay. They don't get upset. They don't retract. They don't, you know, like, I could not hear, you know, and men would say, like, you're attacking me. I'm like, I'm not attacked. Like, I'm not attacking you. Like, what are you talking about? It took a long time for me to realize that when I'm in a certain energetic space. So it's more about the energy.
It literally feels like an attack to them. That sick understanding that and then a way of communicating with the masculine in general so it can hear you is really using way less words. So when we start talking, talking, talking, talking at them, they, you know, they lose us. They don't follow. So to, you know, to say, hey, I'm really feeling tired right now, and I want to go to sleep, or, hey, I am feeling really happy and I want to take you out on a dinner, you know? So communicating the feeling, because when you communicate feelings, you cannot communicate a feeling unless you are really connecting with yourself and actually checking in and feeling. Right. So it helps you be in your body, which the feminine is a lot, you know, feminine about being in the body and, you know, representing the body, connection, feelings. So that is a really good. And it's helped me a lot to practice communicating in that way because you actually have to pause and like, okay, what am I feeling? And then communicating the feeling and then the want or the not want. Right. So very simple.
And then letting the masculine figure out, figure it out. Not saying, hey, I want this and this, and this is how we're going to do it. And then I need you to do this. And, hey, I'm tired and I'm hungry, and then he can go, oh, well, do you want to go out? Do you want to cook? And then I can respond to it. Right. Instead of me figuring everything out.
[00:40:41] Speaker A: Right. So just like, it's like, more direct conversation. I feel like, as a whole, you know, the masculine truly wants to please their partner. I do believe that they want to be that person for their partner, especially a more healthy masculine who's done some work on himself. Like, he wants to make his partner happy, just like we want to make our partner happy. So if we can kind of make it a more direct route, then that's going to help. But when we're very disconnected from our own emotions and our needs and don't feel safe communicating because of past, you know, like, even growing up and saying, like, hey, girls are meant to be seen, not heard, you know, like, and kind of having this training of, like, what we want and what we desire is not important, that that's not our fault that we got programmed that way, but it is our responsibility at this point to work on healing that, right. So that we can clearly communicate. It's interesting. I was reading a book and she was talking about this research study that was done of 7000 people, and they were asked to please write down any emotion that they've ever experienced. And the majority of answers were three emotions, angry, bad and happy.
Just those three. And so this, this told me that as a society, our emotional intelligence is honestly very low. So that's very difficult for us to communicate to a partner.
If we're not really, like you said, in our body and understanding, what am I feeling? A lot of times when I take clients through what I call my untangled progress or program, and we go through that program and we have to identify an emotion that was attached to an event that happened that needs to be reprogrammed. And a lot of times they'll say, what made me angry, right? And I'm like, okay, well, that's a dashboard light emotion. And what I mean by that is like, you know, the engine light comes on and it's saying like, hey, there's a problem, but we don't quite know exactly what that problem is. Right? We have to investigate, we have to diagnose it. And so as we'll dig into it further, we'll find that anger was actually fear or rejection or like, something a lot deeper. And so we can start doing this work to almost, like, diagnose and analyze our own emotions before going to our partner. That I think would probably help with that. Not lashing out, just being like, I just feel it through my body and I'm focusing it on you and, like, fix it. If we can have that moment of introspection and say, well, what is really going on? Why am I really feeling angry? And then we can understand, maybe it is because that situation made us fearful that he was going to abandon us. I was scared. I'm sorry I got so angry. I was actually scared. I felt like this was going to happen and being able to actually communicate what's really going on to give them the opportunity to actually give us what we need, because, again, I do believe they want to do that, but we have to be able to let them know what we need so that they can give it to us.
[00:44:20] Speaker B: Yeah. And the beautiful thing with the bliss bonding practice, it makes it so a lot of the not knowing what you want or being anxious around communicating is because you have an anxious attachment style. So when we bonding, we both become more securely attached, but we also become very in tune with each other. And communicating becomes very easy, because when you have that type of connection that feels safe, secure, lighthearted, you know, for us in our relationship, we most about most everything we can communicate with humor, you know, and still get the point across. And our connection is just very. It is very easy, but it is easy because we have the practice. Like, if we didn't have the practice, we would still fall into the same. You know, we would still be the same. He would get overwhelmed by me not feeling happy. Right. And that type of stuff. But because we have the practices make. That makes us securely attached.
He is okay with me not being happy every once in a while. Right. He can't have to run away all the time.
[00:45:21] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, getting triggered by that. His own stuff saying, oh, I did something wrong. It's like, maybe she just is unhappy right now. Like, it just is what it is instead of internalizing it. Can you share with the audience a little bit about your process of, like, bliss bonding and give them some tips and tricks that they might be able to apply today in their relationship or in their next relationship?
[00:45:43] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, to really understand it, I recommend reading the book because there is a little bit of, you know, you need to understand the dopamine and the oxytocin a little better, but, you know, just the cliff notes.
Bliss bonding is a daily practice, and in order for it to work, you do connect on a schedule. So if during the week, you have seven mornings and seven evenings, let's say so, there's 14 times for connecting two thirds of that time. So let's say ten times or nine times, you only do what's called bonding behaviors. And those are touches or kisses or eye gazing or things where they don't lead to sex, where it's clear that you're just there to connect with each other.
When the brain knows that. When the brain knows that there's times where touch is safe and it doesn't go anywhere, and then the five other times is when you do make love in a very. In a different way, though, than normally, then your whole nervous system can relax and the oxytocin can start flowing. So it's very important to have these very clear.
It's like we know in the evenings, our evenings are our bonding times. We don't make love. We just connect with you cuddle, we kiss, we eye gaze. We do the bonding behaviors, but they don't lead to sex because usually as adults, when we get touched, it always leads to sex. And then we start building these walls and stuff. And then we have five mornings during the week where we know, okay, those are our lovemaking times. And so because of that, I can feel totally safe. He can totally feel safe. If there's any performance anxieties or issues, they go away. Because for him and for me, our nervous systems are relaxed because we do get an abundance of just loving touch.
And we also have sex. You know, it's so, so part of what makes it work is really having the schedule. And my clients, they sometimes, you know, they sometimes make fun of me because I am german and I'm like, doodle schedule, doodle schedule. Like, man, how many more times do you need to tell me?
[00:47:41] Speaker A: Like, it needs. It means a schedule. It genuinely does.
[00:47:45] Speaker B: And so then our amygdala can relax, and then the good feeling feelings can come. And then love making.
It's not having sex and stopping before orgasm. It's really learning to make love in a very gentle, gentle way and learning to feel the energies and tuning into the energies where he doesn't even have to be hard. You know, some of the time where you get into this very deeply relaxed state with each other.
Yeah, it's just. It's very. It's very different.
[00:48:13] Speaker A: Yeah, it sounds more like focusing. So you've got one aspect where it's like, let's focus on touch and connection, and then on the other, it's intimacy. Because sex is not always about, like, intimacy. You know, a lot of times people are just thinking, hey, I'm here to get an orgasm. And, like, they're very detached from the process, when in reality, it's a beautiful opportunity to co create with someone and experience intimacy. And like you're saying, I mean, there can be really amazing intimacy encounters that don't even involve penetration. Or if a man is struggling with things like getting an erection or any type of performance anxiety, knowing that it is a safe place where it's like, there's just an expectation here for us to be intimate and to explore each other and connect on that level, be in this space, and if we feel led to take it to whatever place we feel led to take it to. Great. Am I understanding this correctly?
[00:49:18] Speaker B: No, not so much. It's very clear that there is, like, nine times. Right. If we have those 14 times, seven mornings, seven evenings, it's very clear that nine times out of those times, we don't let it go anywhere, really, just there for connecting. And then the other times because.
And this is where you just have to experience it because the nervous system feels safe, usually the other times when it is time to have penetration and make love, because our bodies are on the same page. Right. So we are not relying on both being in the mood. We're not relying on any kind of stimulation.
Right. We're just relying really on the schedule and on the practice. And when you do it, your body will be ready, you know, really, it's magical. And so I have lots of couples that are older that have been in sexless marriages for like 1020 years. Sometimes, you know, one of them has physical problems and this helps bring it back. I have younger couples that just want to start out right, or couples that are in a second or third marriage that want to make it last. You know, there's all kinds of scenarios where this is just the medicine.
[00:50:31] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that's really cool. So is it always like, hey, it has to be five times a week, or could it be, could they start with one and then maybe two?
[00:50:43] Speaker B: I mean, ideally, is the ratio, is really the importance, really the ratio of two thirds bonding time, one third lovemaking time?
[00:50:52] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:50:52] Speaker B: If somebody has been sexless for a while, they start just with bonding, you know, they're not going to dive into. It will take a little while to get there.
Yeah, yeah. There's a little bit of, you know, that's why it's good to then work with somebody like me where I can. And we do the family constellations, where we help if there's any other trauma, sexual trauma, we teach them other. There's a practice called sexual disarmament where we also help them just release trauma out of the tissue. Like somatic practices and things like that.
[00:51:26] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I always say that, you know, we're in a space as feminines, especially now. I'm a human huge advocate for us to share knowledge, right? Like, let's share knowledge. But knowledge can never compare to mentorship, right? It just can't. So it's like we can hear these tips and we can take those tips and work on applying them in a way, but if there's really significant things going on in a dynamic, we need someone to help guide us through that. There's no way to replace that. There's no way, like, AI will never be able to replace that. Like sharing. I can tell everybody, like, here's how to build your signature offer. Here's how to do this. But at the end of the day, like, knowing how to do it and actually having someone who you can get feedback from, who we can co create through it and have that support, there's no comparison. So speaking to that, if someone feels like, oh, my gosh, I love Carolyn. Like, I love what she's talking about, how could people work with you?
[00:52:38] Speaker B: I have several offerings. I've offered for single women. So one of my signature programs is helping successful women that feel like they have accomplished so much in life and just the sacred union is eluding them. I have a program to help them really get ready and attract their sacred union partner. And then I have a program. We have a program for people in relationship that really want to learn the bliss, bonding also.
And then we have the book. So the best starting point is the book to connect with me is on Facebook, Facebook messenger, usually YouTube videos. So there's lots of things also in the book, there's lots of resources depending whether you're single or in a relationship.
[00:53:18] Speaker A: I love that. I love that the book will help.
It doesn't really matter, right? You can be single. What about those who.
I feel like this is an interesting question that just came through. What about those who kind of consider themselves maybe more like asexual or that just kind of find that it's like, okay, if a relationship came in cool, but I'm really genuinely happy, like, being single, but I want to work on healing my own kind of intimacy things and work on connecting more with my body.
Would the book help those individuals as well?
[00:54:03] Speaker B: I mean, I think everybody should have the knowledge about this, you know, because sometimes when somebody is more asexual, it's because sex has not been satisfying to them. It might very well be because they only resonate with this bonding based lovemaking. And, you know, once people realize, like, oh, this is really what I've always thought sex should be, and I've just not encountered it or not known that that would be possible. So that could be a scenario, you know? So I think educating is important.
It is a. It is a partner practice. But I also think for, for the singles in my case, I had to know this practice and I had to have some grip on it, and I had to be the one bringing it to my relationship. So it was definitely part of getting ready for sacred union.
I just wanted to make sure to say that, you know, so, yeah, yeah.
[00:54:50] Speaker A: That something came through. There was like, I feel like this is important for us to kind of just touch on for those that are. That are in this space, because I feel like there probably are a lot of women out there who are like, forget men, right? Though. There's a part of them that genuinely do want to experience this type of connection. And I feel like kind of what we started off in the beginning, right, where it's like we have to start with that relationship with ourselves so we can learn these practices. And almost like, I feel like, we could even set an intention for, like, self pleasure sometimes and then also just having. Bonding with ourselves. Right. Like setting a specific time for ourselves throughout the day where it's like I'm going to intentionally just hold space for myself. Maybe that's through somatic exercises or meditation or doing just something that we love to do where it's like, this is my time, that I bond with me so that I can feel more connected with myself, understand myself more, feel more connected into my body, so that when I do find this person, I am prepared, like you're saying, for sacred union. Because I've learned to about these techniques and I've been able to get to know myself on this deeper level so that I can inform my partner and educate them on who I am and be able to show up in that type of energy.
[00:56:22] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, you still have to figure it out together, you know, so it's more like the woman is bringing the wisdom about it, but then you still have to figure it out together about it.
[00:56:33] Speaker A: Yeah. Which is so fun.
[00:56:34] Speaker B: Right.
[00:56:34] Speaker A: Figure it out on your own first as you're waiting, as you're working toward that, and then be able to bring that to have even more of a deepening with someone else. I think that's beautiful.
[00:56:48] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think, you know, where the world, for me, the self love started was to really admit to myself that this is what I believe, this is what I want. And I, you know, I took the risk of I would have rather ended up with nobody, then given up on, like, no, this is really what I want. Right. So taking a stand and then not wiggling it, and then, you know, so for a while, I did self abandon and said, okay, but I'm in a relationship where we have this type of lovemaking, and then I would still have regular sex with people. And so the self love part was to get to a point where I was not doing that anymore.
I only want to relate with a guy in this particular space, and if there's none that wants to go, okay. I mean, it would have been very sad, but, you know, that was the piece of the self love to get to, really. I agree with myself, you know?
[00:57:45] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, really honoring what you want and honoring your own sacredness where it's like I'm drawing a line in the sand. I want this and anything that is not, that I'm going to say no to. Because every time we say yes to the wrong things, we're saying no to the thing we actually want.
[00:58:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:58:04] Speaker A: I love it. Thank you so much. Is there anything else that you want to add for the audience? Of course. We'll put all of your links for your offers and the stuff for them to be able to get in touch with you in the show notes and then the YouTube video description down below. So we'll have all that. But is there some last bit of wisdom that you want to share with those that are watching?
[00:58:28] Speaker B: Yeah, you know, I always say, and this is what I live by generally in life, we don't have power over other people. We don't have power over outer circumstances, necessarily, but we do have power over our own vibrational state of being. And I believe that this practice in my own life has. Has tremendously contributed to my frequency and my energy being stable and powerful. And I believe it's, you know, as a couple, it's one of the most powerful things that you could do to keep your vibration and energy high, because at the end of the day, that's the only thing we have power over. Right. Our own energetic management. So whether you're single or in a relationship, to really make your vibrational state of being in the management of the vibrational state of being your top priority. Right. That's the best piece of advice I've ever gotten in life, and that's what I live by, and it served me very well.
[00:59:22] Speaker A: Yeah, I love that. I love that. Thank you. It's like that really important reminder that everything we create in our reality starts with us, right? It all starts here. And so by focusing that, I think that some people think, well, gosh, you know, I really want this relationship now. It's like, well, that starts here first, right? So we have to prioritize that so that we can become the vibration to call that in.
[00:59:53] Speaker B: And that doesn't mean we have to be perfect, you know?
[00:59:55] Speaker A: Sure. That's what co creation is about, right? It's finding a partner that we can co create with and grow and expand and really bloom into even better versions of ourselves. I mean, that's the beauty of being in any kind of dynamic with anybody, is that we can learn from each other so that we can grow and expand.
[01:00:20] Speaker B: Now we are moving into creating community and all the stuff that all of us have been dreaming about and that I knew I couldn't do by myself. And we're in our third year together now, and we've figured ass out and living with the kids and the household and blah, blah, blah. Now we're really able to move into, like, okay, let's tackle the community project, you know, and we have the energy to do it. We have trust in each other, and that's so beautiful.
[01:00:47] Speaker A: Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story, being so vulnerable and sharing so much with the audience. I think that a really, really valuable information, especially for those that, like me, are single and hopeful that that type of connection exists out there. So I really, really appreciate your time today. Thank you.
[01:01:10] Speaker B: Thanks for having me. Of course.
